Unknown's avatar

For my cousin, wherever you may find her

Sweet girl,

I remember you.

I remember you standing in between your father and another grown man.

Your wrists no bigger than the twigs we pulled off aspen trees.

You were so unbearably, heartbreakingly small.

I remember you yelling ‘NO DAD’

With your entire body and the strength your mother’s voice had forgotten.

…………..

In my dreams we are fighting the same man.

We are fighting your father.

In my sister’s dreams we are fighting the same man.

We are fighting your father.

In my mother’s dreams,

In my aunts dreams, we are all fighting the same man.

We have always been fighting your father.

……………..

We have always been fighting his father.

………………

In my best dreams you are safe.

In my best dreams I hold you in my arms and we convince you that you are not alone.

……………..

I remember your only public profile picture.

How tall you have grown since they moved you to the desert.

How beautifully you have grown since I last knew you.

……………

Sweet girl,

I will always miss you.

I drop a penny in every fountain I see and whisper your name.

I never hear a single coin hit the bottom.

…………….

Sweet girl,

I see you in every terrified girl-child that I meet in this plantation.

I see you in the mirror every morning.

…………….

May god bless and keep you,

My dearest, my sweetest, my bravest, my smallest sister.

May god free you from our family.

Unknown's avatar

On Tremors

Did you know you can drink for long enough
That without poison your body will seize and your heart will betray you?

Did you know you can love the wrong person for so long that your fingers will clench around your own heart while your nervous system betray’s you?

Have you tasted the seduction of despair?
Do you know how addictive feeling your body die can be?

Have you ever fallen in love with your own destruction?

Sweet man,
Do you still not know the difference between killing yourself and fighting back?

One day I will learn to believe I am a real person.
One day I will hold myself without contempt.
One day I will learn to want to be here.

One day I will be an old man and I will run my fingers through the soil in my garden.
One day I will be an old man and I will see myself in a child and I will give him words for the suffering he does not yet know how to speak into understanding.

One day I will be old.
I swear to God; one day I will be old. 

I will force this body to live.

I will push myself through another 6 decades.


I swear to God;
One day I will be old.

Unknown's avatar

Psychosomatic

I dreamt about you today.

Washed ashore in a sea of blackout drunk and fever,

Drenched in sweat and saltwater

……..

I told my therapist ‘displacement’ was a sexist trope,

A hysterical comorbidity, of upper-class trophy wives, resurrected from an Era that didn’t know what epilepsy was.

……..

He asked me why my shoulders ache.

And I remembered I had carried you here

I remembered how I watch for you on trains.

I remembered turning to find you standing in the center of my nightmares.

……..

The muscles in my neck twist out my spine

As it hangs from your clothesline

A bucket of bubbles and palpitations

Churning in outlandish red light

……..

Sweep me back out to queasy seas

And find me picking your words out from between my teeth like old food