They Took My Pencils Away: A Prayer

TW…psychiatric hospitalization, suicidal ideation, self harm, the Temple
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My doctor asked me to write down warning signs
I wrote “praying”
And he asked me why

I know I haven’t been to the temple in a while
But I’d know these white walls anywhere
A nurse helps me change into a hospital gown
I think I fell asleep standing up

“Welcome sister, can I see your recommend?”
I sign the consent to treatment form.
“In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost”
The ER doctor takes his hands off my head and sits next to me
“We’re very lucky you didn’t take enough to hurt yourself, but this is clearly a cry for help.”

Continue reading

Under the Boughs of Love

​I have paid a price you cannot fathom 

To claim an authenticity you but freely enjoy. 

See me.

Lift the hands which hang down and be my rearward. 

See me as I press forward. 

I am not coming to join you in a great and spacious building

But as a brother and as a sister under the boughs of love.

Titles of Liberty

On loving glass women
Glass men
And glass gods

On welding your hands
To curved iron rods

On fruit made of sunlight
That burns when you eat
On wars that you fight
With shattered retreats

On grey trees
And grey neighbors
Grey houses
Grey time

On boundaries of smoke
And holograph lines

On the girl made of starstuff
And the boy forged in coal
On babies held hostage
On shards in your soul

On trauma that's bitter
And trauma that's sweet
On candy nails
And broken feet

A Prayer to Heavenly Mother

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Did you not possess me in the beginning;
before your works of old?
Did you not cover me in my mother’s womb?
You are compassionate and merciful;
You do not cast away your people which you foreknew.

Am I not the workmanship of thine own hands?
Did you not form me in your glory?
Have you not chosen me,
by sanctifying me as I came forth from the womb? Continue reading

Silence of Sodom


You are the silent sin of Sodom.
You and your polished granite stone.
You guide the strings of a marionette,
and believe you have no sins for which to atone.

I’m sitting here in this frigid cold,
looking in beyond the glass.
Where is this sword and shield,
to protect me from those who harass? Continue reading

Houses by the Sea

I remember when you kissed my hand
Like softly pouring rain
There's not a single fracture in my soul
That dared to stay the same

I still feel your fingers laced in mine
Trying not to change the past
And this everything you left with me
Is endless. It is vast.

My head is filled with could-have-beens
And houses by the sea
While Gods of grey remind me
That we do not love for free

I will never touch your hand again
We are finite, laced with pain
But on nights when whispers haunt me
I'll pretend you're in the rain

I'll pretend you paint the sunsets
And the shapes inside the clouds
I'll pretend that I'd have no regrets
If I'd dared to love out loud

The Room With the Universe

 

When I was a child you spoke of a room
Where the universe sat on a throne
And the stars and the planets and asteroid bands
Were etched into windows and stone

And the floor was composed of the gods we had known
In eons that long since had passed
Where you wrapped me in starstuff adorned with a cloud
And said love would be there if I asked
 Continue reading