The Conversation We Didn’t Even Know We Needed: An Unspoken Impact of the BYU Honor Code Change & Clarification

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In his book Torn, Justin Lee introduces the concept of the Side A and Side B Gay Christian. The Side A Gay Christian believes same-sex relationships including intimacy within same-sex marriage is not inherently sinful. The Side B Gay Christian believes that being gay is not inherently sinful, but that God does not approve of gay sex.

Historically, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has aligned with the vast majority of Christian belief that homosexuality is inherently sinful regardless of behavior. However, on the issue of same-sex sexual orientation the church in recent years has taken the position of Side B Christianity.

As Elder Ballard confirmed, “Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that ‘the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.’” (“The Lord Needs You Now!” Ensign, Sept. 2015, 29).

But where does the church stand on how gay members should move forward in their lives?

The official position of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that mixed orientation marriage is “not a remedy” and that church leaders should not encourage gay members to enter marriage as a panacea for their same-sex sexual orientation. Though, some feel called to that path nonetheless.

For gay members of the church who desire to live within church doctrines and do not see mixed orientation marriage as a healthy choice, the only other option is to choose celibacy.

It is important to consider why this is noteworthy.

Celibacy is Different than Being a Single Member in the Church

It is widely known that marriage and family is deeply rooted as fundamental to the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We sing about it in primary. We recite it as youth. We are pointed toward it as we return from our missions.

It is difficult when, for many reasons, a companion doesn’t materialize, or a person must search for a companion again. There are varying degrees of loneliness, isolation, judgement, and even marginalization that single members of the church experience. It’s just hard. Full stop.

However, there is always an open door for companionship for single members.

Celibacy, on the other hand, is a choice to remain single and chaste for an entire lifetime, regardless of whether a worthy partner comes into your life.

Most straight single members regularly pray they will find that “special someone.” Gay single members regularly pray they don’t.

What does all this have to do with the BYU Honor Code changes and clarification?

Consider the psychological and physical impact of watching friend, after friend, after friend seek for a companion, pair-bond with another person, and marry, knowing that will never be something you can do or have. Consider the psychological and physical impact of finding someone with whom you would like to share your life, but you must abandon that relationship because of its unsustainability with the doctrine of the church. Imagine the psychological and physical impact of this happening to you over and over and over again.

The church does require a small segment of its membership to live with this very real experience. To simply discipline or excommunicate those who cannot sustain this level of psychological and physical impact is unconscionable.  What can be done?

The church can take more seriously its ability to support sustainable celibacy.

When BYU dropped the “homosexual behavior” portion of its honor code, some saw it as an indicator of doctrinal changes to come. But, it actually opened a door to something far more in line with the church’s current statement of chastity(Abstinence from sexual relations outside of a marriage between a man and a woman), which could also make things immediately better for many Side B gay students.

Dropping the “homosexual behavior” portion of the honor code could allow gay individuals to physically, emotionally and spiritually thrive by developing legitimate same-sex intimate plutonic relationships—relationships that have a degree of physical and emotional intimacy but are not sexual.

There are many Side B gay Christians that are maintaining their commitment to a traditional Christian sexual ethic, AND sustainably supporting their physical, emotional, and spiritual health by choosing to have intimate platonic relationships.

The recent documentary Faithful explores just this sort of relationship between Marylu and Lauralie, two faithful gay Latter-day Saint women.

Faithful also illuminates the discrimination and rejection these two women experience from their faith community in their effort to find a sustainable way to stay faithful to the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as gay women. In the midst of their sacrifice of celibacy, why must they also endure the shaming and rejection of those who should be supporting, embracing and celebrating their effort?

Not every Side B gay member of the church will resonate with or feel the need for an intimate plutonic relationship. However, for many it could be a literal life line, and an anchor to staying in the boat of the gospel.

On March 4th Elder Paul V. Johnson, Commissioner of the Church Educational System confirmed that BYU’s honor code is “principle based.” The objective of a principle based system—from missionary teaching, to ministering, to church curriculum, to the BYU honor code—is to support the unique needs of individual members as they follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and live within the doctrine and values of the church. Essentially, a principle-based approach is the way to more sustainably and practically balance between what Elder Johnson reminds us as the “spirit as well as the letter of God’s laws.”

The Honor Code change could have allowed many Side B gay students to balance between greater physical, emotional and spiritual health while maintaining the law of chastity requirement. This is an example of a principle-based system working at its best for the unique needs of a particular population within the church membership.

For the clarification of the BYU Honor Code to say that, “Same-sex romantic behavior cannot lead to eternal marriage and is therefore not compatible with the principles of the honor code” was a deep blow to so may, but particularly to celibate gay members of the church. It felt as if the initial honor code change was a life raft in the stormy sea of celibacy, but the clarification pushed many gay members back into the raging waves to fend for themselves once again.

It is difficult not to feel as one gay woman described, “The church demands a unique and unqualified sacrifice from me, which I am making every effort to give, but in return I so often feel shamed and abandoned.”

No doubt there are many arguments from all sides against the consideration of intimate plutonic relationships.

“Gay people won’t be able to stop at a plutonic line.”

“Gay people shouldn’t have to stop at a plutonic line.”

“If gay people don’t like the honor code they should just leave BYU.”

“The church causes physical, emotional and spiritual harm. Gay people should just leave the church.”

“The doctrines of the church are clear, and anything other than absolute adherence to the black and white law is simply a slippery slope.”

Wherever we land on the statements above, we all have our vision of the perfect world. But, this is our world, today, right now.

Let us help each other thrive where we are. Helping each other thrive and also advocating for what we feel is right is not a zero-sum game. It is the game entirely.

Walking Through the Weeds of Josh Weed’s Latest Revelation

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“Today, we need to let you know that Lolly and I are divorcing.” 

-Josh & Lolly Weed

A few years ago, a straight female friend said to me, “I think that gay people just have a libido on overdrive.” At the time she was trying very hard to empathize with what it was like to be me, and this was the closest thing she could attach to.

Her comment was disturbing to me, because it didn’t at all reflect my experience of being gay. And, it perpetuated a prominent belief that a gay person is simply a sexual deviant. However, I think that she came to that conclusion honestly.

Depending on where you take a peek into the “gay scene” it can reflect a bunch of freaks that are hyper-sexualized. (This is another post altogether, however, you may find the comments section of interest in the matter.) Continue reading

Joe Biden, Lady Gaga, and Mormons: A Conversation on Rape Culture

In case you didn’t subject yourself to the Oscars, Lady Gaga and Joe Biden took the national stage to speak out against campus sexual assault.¹

I feel compelled to post on Biden’s final statement regarding victims of sexual assault–“They did nothing wrong!”

I believe the majority agrees that sexual assault is a crime against humanity. However, there is debate on the issue of responsibility around sexual assault–who is at fault? Was the victim drinking? Were they wearing revealing clothing? Were they walking in a dark, secluded area?  Continue reading

A Little Girl, Love, and the Butterfly Effect

After the mob of school children passed my house on their way home I saw a little girl walking in the opposite direction, crying. I went out, as a mother would, and asked if she was okay. She had lost her little brother, who she usually helps get home from school. I asked if she wanted to call her mother and she said, “No, she’s working, she won’t know where he is.”

She was beyond distressed, and began to run down the sidewalk calling out his name. I was a stranger, and she wasn’t going to engage me. When I returned home I gathered my little children around and told them her story, and we said a prayer for her and her little brother.

Continue reading

Grace, Big Girl Panties, and the Challenge of Heterosexual Privilege

I’m a closeted lesbian, but my aunt has known I’m gay for a long time. I never told her and she never asked. She just knew. She’s like that. Super em-pa-thic. A few years ago I told her I was thinking about coming out publicly. I expected her typical open, affirming, supportive response.

“Don’t do that! Why do gay people always feel like they NEED to tell people they are gay? Your sexuality is private. Nobody wants to know. Seriously, don’t do it.”

Continue reading