On the evening of April 6^th, 1986 I sat alone in a dark and empty meetinghouse foyer trembling.

It was an old style church building in a small Illinois town with cold vinyl flooring and a church issued couch. I couldn’t find where the light switches were and as the sun continued to set, the gathering darkness revealed light streaming from under the Bishop’s door.

I fully understood what a pivotal moment this was for me as a 17 year old boy, and although armed with fresh courage from that weekend’s general conference, I was terrified.

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Having seen Star Trek Beyond late last night and with Pioneer Day being celebrated today, frontiers are on my mind. LGBT Mormons often resonate with the persona of the Mormon pioneer. Consider the Affirmation International Conference themes from 2011 to 2014: “Visions and Blessings,” “Celebrate the Journey,” “New Frontiers,” and “This is the Place.” The connection is not subtle. Continue reading →

For some time now, I have felt the need to reach out and express my welcome to the people in my community with sexual fetishes. I don’t know how many of those reading this post might be in that group, and I don’t know what the frequency of fetishism is among the general population. Quite frankly, the main reason I have felt the need to speak about the idea of fetishes is that I hear and know so little about them. The fact is that some of the people I most respect experience some form of sexual fetish or another, and I want to make it clear any and all of you that I welcome you into my life as you are. Continue reading →

Today was kind of a rough day. I got harassed at work for an hour over instant messenger by my Baptist aunt, who works in another state for the same place.  I wanted to cry. She said horrible things, but that wasn’t what really hurt. It was that someone so desperately wanted to destroy my happiness, that they couldn’t respect me enough to drop the agenda and leave me  in peace. Continue reading →

Mormonism is an experiment. It was founded by Joseph Smith, a big thinker who was unafraid of innovating beliefs, transforming social structures, and implementing half-baked plans. Because he was what we might call risk-loving, many of his plans failed, and even some of his successes look messy in hindsight. But if we know anything about Joseph, it is that he was always ready to try something new and unfamiliar. And in some ways it paid off. When he declared universal human salvation, he was breaking rank.

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This week we lost five young adults to suicide. Four were LDS. Four were LGBT.  No words can adequately express the sorrow and grief for such loss.

Once isolated by the miles, social media allows our geographically diverse community a gathering place to process, mourn and bear one another’s burdens. Amid our collective support, one simple but profound observation emerged: “Suicide is complex and layered. Always. It is never possible to point to a specific reason.”

Indeed.

Yesterday the Salt Lake Tribune reported that Utah officials admit they are unsure why the youth suicide rate has nearly tripled since 2007.

We may not be able to officially pin point specific reasons, but we are familiar with the wounds.

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If humanity had a voice she would be singing,

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

(Sia, “Breathe Me“)

I am in mourning. Fifty people are dead who should still be alive, forty-nine of them victims of the other. I wasn’t built to carry this sort of truth. It is awful. It is too much. Continue reading →

Last Monday I was in a restaurant sharing dinner with two of the greatest Mormon LGBT allies that I know. We talked the night away on every subject under the sun concerning the intersection of Mormons and gays. Near the end of the evening the conversation turned more personal and they asked me, “Why do you stay? What motivates you to continue to identify as Mormon?”

Time seemed to stand still as I reflected on my journey in the Mormon Church from child to adult, from in the closet to coming out. I may have been born with homosexuality woven into my genes, but just as intimately woven into my Self was Mormonism. My 47 years on this planet are like no one else’s and so my answer to their question would be like no one else’s.

After taking a few moments to gather my thoughts, this was my answer:

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WARNING: This blog post will discuss some topics of a personal and sensitive nature (rape, homophobia, abuse, violence, etc). If that disturbs or triggers you, please do not read it.

My name is bijte, and I’m a lesbian.

I have been closeted for a year now.

I came out in 2005 (or rather, was forcibly outed) in my small, rural, conservative town.

In 2006 I was a victim of corrective rape. Continue reading →