This morning I am sitting here at my kitchen table in a melancholy mood.  It’s an anniversary, but not one to be celebrated in the least.

My youngest who is 12 is next to me watching Lego Batman clips, my oldest is in the study and my 16 year old is still, of course, sleeping. My thoughts also go to my 20 year old son serving his mission in England as well as my daughter who is a Junior at BYU. Surrounded by my children, I will write first draft, raw, unedited thoughts on this anniversary of the exclusion policy.

One year ago today I was betrayed by my church, no… more specifically my children were betrayed by church policy.

On Thursday, November 5^th, 2015 I saw a story come across my Facebook news feed. Seeing that it was a handbook change I read it with interest. Until the day I die I will remember the enveloping darkness as my curiosity turned to a crushing disbelief. This handbook change was so unbelievable I initially dismissed it as an obviously sensationalized story. It wasn’t scriptural. It wasn’t kind. It wasn’t doctrinal.  I had an instant testimony that it wasn’t true.

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You are 21, and drowning in grief. Your father has died suddenly, leaving you anchorless. You are suffering from a debilitating and nameless disease, and every doctor you see passes you along, telling you that there is nothing they can do for you. You are in a relationship with a woman who you love desperately, but who loves the sharp highs of anger and fuzzy lows of drugs more.

At your local library, you find a book, beautifully written, telling you that you are a beloved daughter of a Heavenly Father, and He has a Plan of Happiness for you. It tells you about the pattern of things that He has set forth, and that you agreed to in the pre-mortal realm. The book says that there is more to life than pain, and that we have come to this world to learn and experience joy. You read it greedily, taking it with you on your breaks to work, sneaking in as many pages as you can away from your girlfriend’s watchful eyes. In it you see truth, beauty, light and- most importantly- hope.

Six months later you sit in front of the local Mission President. You confess to him that you are a lesbian, but that you have broken up with your girlfriend of two years and are living separately from her in preparation for baptism. He smiles; you’ve said the right thing and you bask in his approval. Cutting ties with your girlfriend was painful, but the sacrifice was worth it. Your sins can be washed away. Your homosexuality can be washed away. Continue reading →

Today I was thinking about the upcoming anniversary of the 2015 November Exclusion Policy. As I was caught up in sadness and anger, Facebook popped up this friendly reminder:

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I remember one cold night in November 2015, I was reeling and writhing in pain from the LDS church’s policy change on same-sex marriages and the children therein. I was hurting from crumbled dreams and hopes of raising an LDS family in the gospel with my future husband. Continue reading →

At the October 2016 General Conference, Elder Ballard gave a talk. I slept joyfully through it, only to find it recommended to me by a close friend and mentor. Continue reading →

Trigger Warning: This is a frank discussion about the treatment of the believing gay male in the church, including excommunication, which some may find disturbing. This post is not intended for gay youth or gay men who are hurting as they reconcile their sexuality with the teachings of the church. If you feel you need to talk to someone, please do not keep it to yourself. Please call the Suicide Prevention Line (800) 273-8255. If you are a youth please call the Trevor Project (866) 488-7386. Many people care about you.

Your LGBT community will at times have difficult discussions such this one to shed light on previously hidden issues for our allies and others outside our community to consider.

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When I hung up the phone with our Stake Young Men’s President back in 2008, I had a lot to think about.

“We really want Jonathan to come on the trek this year. We have been trying to figure out in our planning meetings how to accommodate him, perhaps have him ride in a handcart and have his trek family care for him along the trail. We think it would be inspirational for the youth to see Jonathan on the trek.”

The Jonathan he was referring to was my 16 year old son. Jonathan was born with both autism and several physical challenges with his legs, knees and feet. What was meant to be a highly spiritual event for a typical Mormon teenager would have only been a nightmare for him.

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On a recent afternoon I reached the top of a hill and looked out at a sun almost set and the fog rolling in. I was walking along a gravel path as the grass waved and a hawk settled on the highest branch of a nearby tree. I cherish these secluded times.

Despite the ideal setting, something was off and I couldn’t seem to settle into the moment. I wasn’t connecting with the view like I usually do. I wasn’t seeing the way I wanted to. An unseen barrier was separating me from what was in front of me. And there was no one else to blame–I was alone. Continue reading →

Attention straight Mormons without a recommend!

Tired of feeling apostate at family weddings? Feeling unappreciated after decorating the cultural hall with ten thousand yards of crepe paper and filling endless silver foil cupcake liners with buttermints and peanuts only to be relegated to the waiting room for the actual ceremony?

Feel tired no more!

In appreciation for your “Sit with me Sundays,” the LGBT community would like to give back. We will come sit with you outside the temple to help you feel comfortable and not alone! Continue reading →